Extreme tastelessness in downtown alleys during the Olympics
It’s been a pretty crazy time during the Olympics in Vancouver, BC. We were witness to some extreme tasteless behaviour in the downtown area on Saturday night in the alley behind Goldie’s at Pender and Seymour.
We were hanging out in Goldie’s Lounge (dark basement with techno music) on Saturday night. It was the only place that lacked hour long line-ups and that offered reasonably priced alcoholic beverages. The bathroom had been backed up when we got there, and had steadily gotten worse throughout the night. At some point, I decided to purchase a beer. I ended up getting the beer for free because the guy at the bar didn’t know how to charge a debit card, and the guy who knew how to use this technology wasn’t giving a fuck at the time. Minutes after finishing my pint of Sapporo I got the familiar urge to urinate. The toilet had been closed off at this point and the urge for relief had become exponentially stronger after remembering the restroom situation. You could say it was one of the “want what you can’t have” body reactions. Fillet O’Fish was getting antsy after his dj set, and had asked me if I wanted to go for a walk. I thought it would be a good opportunity to relieve myself in the alley.
Walking into the alley we notice a guy standing behind a dumpster. I opted for peeing on my side of the dumpster opposite the guy in order to avoid the awkwardness of having to go around and unzip my pants next to a stranger in a dark alley. The alley and dumpster reeked of urine and trash. Apparently, it had been a frequent stop for Olympic fans in need of relief. The guy had a weird look on his face, but at this point there was no stopping the fact that I was peeing in that alley way. During urination a group of passer by’s on the other side of the alley on Granville, suddenly stopped and started applauding and screaming. I raised my hand and screamed URINATION YEAH! There was nothing for me to be ashamed of after all, it was just peeing in an alley.
I obviously didn’t know what was going on the other side of the dumpster. As I finished my yell, a girl’s head pops up and for a split second the three of us make eye contact. The cards were now on the table. They hurriedly walked around the dumpster and passed me towards Seymour. Fillet witnessed the whole exchange and looked on with disbelief as the couple passed by, and the girl wiped her mouth clean. I cannot stress how much that alley stunk of urine; therefore we thought the young lady had to have been a whore. Our walk consisted of analyzing the event and discussing the minutiae of the pros and cons of getting head in an alley from a hooker.
As we turned the corner on Seymour the story had been thoroughly discussed and had been put to rest. As we go back in to Goldie’s we see the young couple sitting next to the window with possibly one set of parents. There was eye contact between us and them for a split second, it was all the time needed to realize that we had recently met. Fillet and I start giggling like 15 year old schoolgirls, running down to the basement lounge to avoid any further awkwardness. The girl charging cover had lost her coat when we had left for the walk. We came back and luckily she had found it, but was now suffering from an intense urge to pee. We decided it was an appropriate time to tell her our story.
“Oh my GOD that is so funny, I reaaally need to pee though… and this makes me want to go even more!”
As she uttered these words, “blowjob alley” guy comes down the stairs and tells her that she can always pee in the alley. Fillet and I look at the situation with jaws open in disbelief. As he’s turning to go up the stairs to return to his dinner with the parents, he tells the girl that they can meet there if she wants; she obviously declined. We communicate to Kimberly that she just had a conversation with the real “blowjob alley” guy.
As we were waiting in line outside of Goldie’s to purchase some slices of their delicious pizza we share our story with random people we have never met in our lives. Needless to say “blowjob alley” couple are still inside having dinner with the parents. We get our slices and dig in when low and behold “blowjob alley” girl comes outside to have a cigarette. At that point we had stopped talking about “blowjob alley” and were enjoying our slices. We would not further ruin this girls night because she blew some guy in the alley. As Kimberly is making her way out of Goldie’s she passes by “blowjob alley” girl and screams
” Hey guys I hear there’s this alley in the back we should check out…maybe you guys can get some blowjobs”
“Blowjob alley” girl looks down in shame and throws her unfinsihed cigarette away and walks back in to the restaurant. She was probably thinking why she ever agreed to give head to her boyfriend behind a urine stinking dumpster downtown on a busy Saturday night during the Olympics while having dinner with the parents.
Screw “Tasteless Jesus”… I paid for the domain name
The 10 dollars I shelled out for this domain name will be put to good use. If tasteless Jesus does not want to contribute, then fine I’ll just have to suck it up and make this little idea of mine work. If you want something done, I guess you just have to do it yourself.
Which brings me to this…who was it that thought increasing the parking meters to 10 pm was a good idea!? I mean do you know how expensive cabs are in this city or how early public transport stops running! Is the city government out to get me cause I’m poor? I mean I know it’s the Olympics and everything, but DAMN!.
It’s going to get mighty hard to live a tasteless lifestyle around these parts if the ball keeps rolling this way. Whatever happened to controlling inflation!? Guess I’m not voting liberal again…
I’ll have a better post at some point, if I can still afford to have internet in the next few months. In the meantime I leave you this:
The dream is dead…
I started this blog with the purpose of presenting to the world what I thought was an interesting spin on unemployment and the absurdity of our modern day job market. I came up with this idea much like anyone would by sitting around with a few buddies over efficiently cheap and inebriating beer, and throwing random ideas into the air for a possible quick laugh. Yet I took one of those ideas, which at the time I thought to be brilliant, and ran with it. I created a forum to voice the trials and tribulations of this tasteless stage of life as a means of comedy, comfort, and support to those who were living in tastelessness. I even bought the domain name. What I did not realize was my shortcomings in understanding the meaning of a truly tasteless lifestyle.
How can one truly live a tasteless lifestyle when one depends on the effort of others? How does a group oriented blog fit in to this specific life philosophy if one actually has to take time out of one’s busy day of doing nothing and sit down to write ideas? Isn’t a blog just a shameless form of self promotion that goes opposite to the founding principles that to be tasteless you must be deceptive in nature to distinguish yourself from being an average deadbeat or just a shameless bum? These uneasy truths became apparent not through a friendly chat with fellow tasteless lifers, or a forum where it was pointed out that the blog ran contrary to the underlying themes of living a truly tasteless lifestyle, but by the slippery behavior of a tasteless Jesus that proved to be the true tasteless one in the group. He is called Fillet O’Fish in some circles.
I started the blog in September of 2009 after the previously mentioned meeting, and Fillet O’Fish aka Tasteless Jesus was one of the most ardent advocates of this project. However, little did I know that he was about to teach me a valuable lesson in what being truly tasteless consisted. He went about showing me the true meaning in his own slippery messianic way letting his actions do the talking. He avoided contributing to this blog through persistent avoidance of responsibility, slippery change of subject tactics, and all out in your face just not doing something because he did not feel like it. Out of all of the contributors he was the one with most leisure time, stories, and perspectives to make this a truly great blog.
I sent guilt messages through Facebook mentioning that I had paid 10 dollars for the domain name. I strongly urged him to contribute during phone calls using our friendship as leverage. I gave incentives to post extracurricular projects such as DJ gigs on the blog to entice him to do his intro. I also opened up a twitter account so that he could just write 140 characters and contribute in some way to this seemingly great idea. Junior Bacon called him out on this very same blog to prompt him into action by writing an intro. We just wanted to see where this project could lead. Finally, I gave a deadline – “If in five days you do not write your intro… I will”. The five days passed and this is what I saw as his Facebook status:
” Just woke up from a nap, had a bubble bath went for a jog, and ate a tuna sandwich. I’m ready for anything.”
The tasteless Jesus is PD (took out name since he eventually published his post) and although the failure of this blog falls squarely upon his shoulders he has truly accomplished his goal of showing me how a truly tasteless being should behave. I stand not defeated but enlightened and will pull the plug on the dying corpse of this once good idea that simply was not meant to be released unto a world that was not ready for it . PD your summer of fail has turned into the tasteless fall of fail. I encourage the people reading this last article to read the other four postings so that if one day you encounter someone that goes by Fillet O’Fish, Slippery Pete or just simply PD you will know that you are facing some truly magnificent tastelessness
Don Noodle
Introducing Don Noodle
After getting laid off from a shitty customer service job from a certain large online auction company I took a month off to heal the psychological wounds inflicted upon my person by the company and its customers. I came back to find that the only jobs being offered were worse customer service jobs or jobs that offered peanuts as compensation. So I and other colleagues decided to start this blog because we made a conscious choice: We opted for a life of tastelessness and unemployment (yes we are on EI and are eagerly awaiting our first checks) until some baby boomers die, the economy picks up, or one of us wins the lottery. This is my introduction. I am Don Noodle
donnoodle
filletofish
Jr. Bacon
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